family, knitting, living

Guilt

Guilt is a funny thing.  It’s one of those feelings that has it’s place.  It keeps us in line.  It motivates us to follow through when we promise something, to not do something that we know we will regret, to tell the truth.  Unfortunately, it also causes me to work when I’m sick, to feel bad if I can’t get off the couch and to generally beat my self up for not being perfect.  Hubby just explained to me that I am making myself miserable and he does not want the girls learning my bad habits.  Whoa…talk about a “come to Jesus moment.” 

I’m in the middle of the worse exacerbation I have had.  No, I haven’t lost the use of my legs, arms or eyes.  I have excruciating pain reverberating up and down one side of my head.  Apparently it is trigeminal neuralgia.   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/trigeminal-neuralgia/DS00446/DSECTION=1 It’s not pretty people.  The only way I’m not writhing in (intermintent, but seems pretty frequent) pain is by taking a load of drugs…then I’m stupid.  I can’t wash my hair, bend over, eat anything hot, cold or bubbly.  The girls can only kiss me on one side of my face and unfortunately they know it.  I feel so guilty for not cooking and cleaning and most of all not working.  I had to call in.  It makes me sick.  I have just given my notice and want everything to be perfect before I leave and I can’t stand to hold the phone to work.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I feel like I have a big fat looser sign on my forehead. 

Well…that was a big long whine.  On to better news.  I finished the shawl for Grey’s school.  They had a silent auction.  I raised $11,000.  I’m not sure how much the shawl fetched.  I know it was over 60 or so.  Here it is modeled my my friend Anne at Crazy Girl Yarn Shop in Coralville.

  

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12 responses

  1. I am in prayer for you, friend. I am so sorry for your pain (((hugs)))

    April 21, 2008 at 9:12 am

  2. I am wishing your pain away. Don’t feel bad about calling in. I am proud of you for finally putting yourself first. This is so important!!!
    The shawl is beautiful!!! Good for you getting it finished so fast!!!!!!

    April 21, 2008 at 9:49 am

  3. Mary Ann

    I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. Take good care of yourself and let others help out. Easier said than done I well know.

    Beautiful shawl! I hope you have a beautiful shawl to wrap yourself up in also.

    Mary Ann

    April 21, 2008 at 1:19 pm

  4. becca

    i wish i could take your giult and pain and fear away. i love you.

    April 21, 2008 at 3:13 pm

  5. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so awful and am joining Wendy in wishing your pain away.

    April 21, 2008 at 4:36 pm

  6. Amy S.

    You must must must take care of yourself first, before you can be there for others, Dianne. That’s why the attendants on the plane tell people to put the oxygen mask on themselves first before they help their fellow passengers. I so wish I could somehow take some of your pain away. If there’s anything I CAN do, please please please ask. I feel MY guilt knowing you’re trying to juggle all these balls — and do so when you’re hurting. I had no idea it was so bad this time around. We’re thinking of you.

    April 21, 2008 at 7:37 pm

  7. becca

    i don’t think so much love and concern could be expressed any better than in amy s. words. so ditto from me! dianne, i am thinking about you every passing minute and praying for you constantly. I have a “friend” on ravelry whose blog I read yesterday right after yours and your pain is really resounding like a violin tuning – would you check out her post? she’s Hope2finish1wip on my friend page. i think you would both have so much courage hope and love to share with one another.

    April 22, 2008 at 2:19 am

  8. slippingthroughmyfingers

    Wow, Thank you all so much for your support. I really appreciate all of th eheartfelt remarks. I have always been a little worried about posting TOO personal of things on the blog, but this is certainly one instance where I am very ahhpy I did. All of the prayers and wishes mean so, so much to me. Thank you,all.

    April 22, 2008 at 3:28 am

  9. val

    Dianne, I think my reply just got lost…You have been on my mind lately and now I, unfortunatley know why. I’m so sorry you are experiencing such a terrible time. I would love to help you in some way. Please don’t hesitate to call me..I’ll leave my number in your email. I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers. P.S. Your shawl is amazing and so are you! Please call for anything.

    April 22, 2008 at 8:57 am

  10. Kendra

    This afternoon I was wallow in pity because of work, kids and all the other everyday stress. I often check your blog when I check Becca’s and today was no different. When I read what you are going through right now it really helped me put things in perspective. You are so brave and strong! You are an inspiration to myself and everyone who knows you.

    April 22, 2008 at 6:07 pm

  11. Lori

    Di,
    The shawl is just gorgeous, as is everything I have ever seen that you have knit.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself.

    April 24, 2008 at 2:52 pm

  12. Diane,

    Wendy told me you’ve been feeling worse lately. I so hate to hear that. I know your personality (alot like mine), so this is extra hard on you. I have to be doing and going all the time and I too feel totally guilty when I can’t do, which I know…and you do to I’m sure…is totally silly and unrealistic. People don’t feel well at times, people hurt and get sick. You’ve been very lucky to have not had too many bad spells with your MS so far. I hate that this one has come, but after so long of going and doing so well, even when it was not this bad…well, you more than deserve to take it easy during this extra rough patch. You know stress and keeping going will only make things worse, both physically and mentally.

    Do your doctors think this is just temporary? I guess they can’t really tell you for sure. I hate to admit I don’t know too much about MS, so forgive me.

    Btw, since we’ve talked a bit about this before, taking it easy during these bad times IS NOT letting the disease take you over. I know how you feel about that, but you can’t and shouldn’t feel that way. You’re a fighter, that much is for sure. Just take it easy and try not to worry about what this is doing to anyone…the girls are fine! You just focus on relaxing and resting until hopefully this bad spell is over, which I hope is very soon.

    Tell Henry and the girls I said hey. Tell Grey Sarah misses her like crazy!!! The minute you guys come to visit for more than a few days, we’ve got to get them together!!!! Oh, Sarah got all her hair chopped off, lol. It was really long, as long as Grey’s was before she got it cut that last time before you guys left. Now it’s above her chin! It’s too cute for summer though. We put pictures on the blog is you wanna show Grey http://www.faydean.typepad.com. Sarah said, as she was getting it cut, that it reminded her of Grey actually.

    Take care.

    April 24, 2008 at 9:39 pm